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Crackity Crack Crack
Pen
icanbecreative
It's all dream_mancer's fault!  She made me write crack!fic.  Teen Wolf crack!fic.

OK.  A better explanation:  Laura decided that she has read too much Sterek when she read "Alpha" and "Stiles" in her lunch menu.  I have no idea where she was eating that had bad porn food descriptions, but she did.  And it just kind of devolved from there.

So, without further ado: Spicy Alfredo.





“Let me make your fantasies come true,” whispered the powerful yet misunderstood Alpha as he held Spicy White in his arms.

“Okay,” said Spicy White, his skin flushing a becoming shade of red. Spicy still could not believe that this was happening, that the Alpha of his fantasies was interested in a little Omega like him. Pale and thin, dotted with unbecoming freckles and moles, Spicy did not consider himself anything special, but with the handsome Alpha staring down at him with fiery eyes, the smell of the other man’s arousal enveloping him, and his own Heat cycle warming him from within, he felt beautiful.

“What the hell are you reading?”

The question, snapped practically into his ear, startled Stiles. The teen flailed as he fell out of his computer chair and landed with an audible thump on the floor.

“Bells,” he yelled as his hands danced wildly in the air, his heart rate dangerously high. “I’m buying you fucking bells and surgically attaching them to you.”

Derek ignored the young man on the floor and leaned forward to manipulate the mouse.

“Is this... Are you reading werewolf porn?”

“It’s research,” Stiles insisted.

“On what?” the werewolf asked with a frown. “And for whom?”

“On the mating habits of werewolves,” Stiles huffed as he levered himself back onto his feet and retrieved the chair from where it had rolled away. “For Scott.”

Scott needs to know about homosexual sex?”

“Um... Well, OK, no. But I stumbled on this one and it’s so very bad that that I can’t look away from it. It’s like a train wreck. Or a Shyamalan movie. Because of course the aliens react to water as if it’s acid and came to a planet that’s mostly water.”

“This is...”

“I know, right!” Stiles bounced on the balls of his feet as Derek read more of the story. “Why would someone name their kid ‘Spicy’?”

“Coming from someone named ‘Stiles’.”

The human in question stuck his tongue out at the werewolf, who ignored him in favor of reading more of the truly awful pornography that the teen had found.

“I think it’s crack!fuck. Fic! Crack!fic. The author was probably high on something when he wrote it. I hope so, at least. Not even Harry Potter Mary Sue fanfic is that bad.” He paused for a moment to reconsider it. “No, no, I’m wrong. That one with the floor-length purple hair was worse.”

“What the hell is ‘knotting’?”









A few end notes: my phone suggested crack!fuck instead of crack!fic. Which meant that it was FATE. Nothing will deny Derek and Stiles's crack!fucky!love!


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The place in question is Damgoode Pies in Fayetteville, Arkansas. When you load their site, it says "Keep Pants On" and of course, my mind went down the gutter.

Here is the part of the menu in question.

Uploaded from the Photobucket iPhone App

Honestly, when I read it, I put "Alpha" in for Alfredo and "Stiles" in for Spicy.

TEEN WOLF HAS RUINED MY BRAIN. *goes to read more fic*

Also this...was hilarious. The last line especially.

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